Conscious Guardians

Having been in the Tsimhoni childrens' shoes, I present to you a list of things to do and not to do when you are a parent whom the children despise and don't want to talk to:

Disclaimer: Not all children SHOULD reunite with the other parent.  If that parent is toxic, violent, etc., they need to have years of therapy themselves and the children will probably not be ready to even speak with them until they are adults.

What to do to reunite with your children:

1. Show them unconditional love.  This means ALL of your actions come from and are done with LOVE, and ONLY love.  This means if you make ANY decision that affects them in an unloving way, you have failed.
2. Write them an apology.  Detail your mistakes, sincerely apologize (absolutely no "I'm sorry you feel that way" under any circumstances!), and tell them how much you love and miss them.
3. Apologize to their other parent in front of them.  Explain each thing you did that hurt them and apologize.  Do this until the other parent kindly forgives you, also in front of the children. 
4. Hug the other parent in front of them.  Tell them you are proud of the hard work and love they put into raising your children.  Tell them how glad you are to have them as a friend.  MEAN IT.  This person is not your enemy and you are not theirs.  By just getting divorced, we break our children's hearts.  Can you imagine only getting visitation with your spouse? Divorce is a terrible thing.  You must both acknowledge that and make it as easy for the kids as possible.
5. If you have abused the children or abused the other parent and they have witnessed it, VERBALLY or PHYSICALLY, explain to the children what you did, how it was wrong, and what you have done to prevent it from ever happening again.  You can say that you are not perfect and will make mistakes, but you must promise AND MEAN IT that you will NEVER abuse them again.  Tell them you will do whatever they desire so they feel safe when they visit you, whether this means all visits are always supervised, always in public, always with the other parent, etc.
6. Read The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali to learn how to connect with and learn from your children.  This book will also help you recognize when their actions trigger you.  I'm not affiliated with Dr. Shefali at all but I cannot speak highly enough of how much you NEED this book.  Every parent needs it.  Anyone that refuses to read this book but does not have a relationship with their child, DOESN'T WANT a relationship with their child.
7. After #6, CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILD. 
8. Allow your children to be who they are.  Do not attempt to mold, persuade, teach, guide, lead, rule over them.  You absolutely have given up any rights to the already-awful authoritarian parenting style.  You can protect their health and well-being.  You can have basic rules aimed at protecting those that you can enforce with explanation (see #6), but you CANNOT boss them around.  You can't tell them what they must believe (think religion, politics, etc.) and you can not try to change them.  They are a unique soul already, learn from them.  You are not in the position to assist with behavior shaping any time soon.  You and the other parent must always be in agreement about the behaviors you are going to model.
9. Always, always, always be friendly to their other parent.  Always.  Always act with love (see #1).  Always be of service.  Always bend your schedule to make sure it doesn't trample on theirs.
10. Finally, ask them what else you can do for them.  Ask them what they want.  Always be in tune to their needs, aware of their interests, and actively involved in their life.   There shouldn't be anything "in it for you", other than supporting your beautiful kids.  Text/email them to keep communication going when you can't be together.  Tell them about fun things you are doing with your life, too.  You should still be growing and interesting.

What NOT to do to reunite with your children:

1. Take them to court.  Especially one that will verbally abuse them, jail them, belittle them, mock their other parent, insult their other parent, insult their intelligence, force them to visit, force them to do anything, take away their basic human rights, etc. 
2. Do not do anything to harm their other parent - financially, physically, emotionally, etc.  Look, you used to love this person more than anyone else in the world.  You were together when these precious babies were born.   No matter what happened between you, you must maintain a friendship and act with love towards the other parent.  Do not question their sanity, their mental health, their motives, etc.  Do not financially ruin them.  Do not be vindictive.  Do not allow anyone to speak poorly about them.
3. Give up on your kids.   If your kids won't have an open dialog with you, it's because you've not done one or more of the first 10 items in the to-do list.  They won't talk to you until they trust you and until you've shown love and kindness to the parent they will be loyal to until they die.
4. Do not send your kids cards or gifts when you still don't have a relationship with them.  It will be seen as completely insincere.  If you are aware they are in need of something, send that to their parent. 
5. Do not tell your kids they are wrong, they don't understand, they're too young, it's too bad, they need to deal with it, shit happens, etc. 
6. Do not force your new family on your children.  Do not allow your new spouse to tell your children what to do.  Do not try to substitute your time and attention with that of your new spouse's.  The kids aren't there for him/her, they need you.
7. Do not critique their school work/success.  See #6 of the to-dos.  Your child should enjoy learning and should NEVER be pushed to succeed.  They aren't your mini-me.  Don't critique their other parent's involvement or lack thereof in their school work or other interests.  Support them and their passions and encourage them to have fun and enjoy life and learning. 
8. Take children to counseling.  Well-qualified therapists are great for adults, but they can't fix your relationship with your child.  YOU must fix that.  If your child needs help to sit through their feelings from trauma they've been put through, it better be an extremely loving and kind therapist that is going to give them tools for sitting with their emotions and will NOT even attempt to force their relationships.  Again: ONLY YOU can fix the relationship.  
9. Fight with their other parent about money, for anything.  If one of you is facing a hardship in relation to providing for the kids, work it out.  These kids are innocent.  They still deserve every opportunity they had when you were together.  Don't make them suffer because you chose the wrong spouse.  If there is a valid need, both parents need to be honest and work it out.  Don't quit your job to spite your ex and as a result be ordered to pay less child support.  I can't think of a lower thing someone could do.  You should want your ex-spouse to succeed, they are the parent of your children.
10. Finally, don't be so egotistical that you think you've done nothing wrong.  Don't blame the other parent.  Don't be a coward that runs to court.  Figure out what you've done wrong in your children's eyes, sincerely apologize for it whether you think you've done something wrong or not, and figure out how to make sure it never happens again.  Again, always act with love.  That is the only way you will EVER make progress. 

Attention!  Supporters welcome to attend the hearing tomorrow, July 20th!

Hearing starts at 9 (come earlier if you can), will have people outside guiding everyone where to go. There will be t-shirts, FREE of charge (donations towards Maya's GoFundMe page would be greatly appreciated). Please try to be there!!! Maya and her children need our support!!! Address is 1200 N Telegraph Rd. Pontiac, MI 48341 SOUTH ENTRANCE. 

From Safe Kids International:

Judge Lisa Ortlieb Gorcyca is quite the superstar.  Before being elected to Oakland County Family Court, she was an assistant to prosecutor David Gorcyca, whom you may know for his role in sending Dr. Jack Kevorkian to prison for assisted suicides.  Gorcyca's marriage later ended and he married Lisa.

Well, it turns out Lisa is lusted over in not one but TWO books:

Internal Combustion by Joyce Maynard
A Deadly Affair by Tom Henderson

In Internal Combustion, the author quotes Lisa as saying;

• "I'm an open book.  I'm just a girl who loves to put criminals behind bars."  And apparently children, too!
• "Back in law school (where she knew right off the bat that civil law "bored me to tears"), she had recognized that she could make a lot more money as a criminal defense attorney than she would working for the state."  Or just being elected as judge and pretending children are criminals!
• "I'm all about the truth."  All about ignoring the truth!

  If you are on the fence about supporting the mother in the Tsimhoni case, I don't blame you.  We often hear about or know families that have gone through court only to have mom immediately awarded custody when she may not always be the best parent.

  It isn't just Maya that is unable to convince the children to see their father.  And she literally agrees to physically drag them to parenting time.  The GAL can't convince them, the supervisor can't convince them, even dad acknowledges when they refuse that an effort was made.

  Even the day Gorcyca threw these children in jail, she acknowledged mom's efforts at begging them to spend time with their father.

  I'm sure both parents love these children and both would like them to love them back, but that's just not how it works.  You drag them to a place where a judge threatens throwing them in prison - even wants them to tour the prison like she is talking to convicts she has to "scare straight".

  Threats and fear do not encourage children to love.

  Dad needs to drop it, mom needs to keep dad informed about the kids, and they both need to learn about conscious parenting.

  So, siding with or funding Dr. Maya Tsimhoni doesn't mean you don't want dad to have parenting time with his kids or you want to make sure only mom can ever see them, but it means you want the madness to stop and the kids voices to be heard - the kids rights to be upheld.  You want the kids to only know love.  You want the court to stop insulting them, labeling them, comparing them to Charles Manson, stop verbally abusing them.  These kids shouldn't be anywhere near Lisa Gorcyca and they are NOT ready to live with their father.  They aren't even ready to look at him.  There is zero proof that this has anything to do with mom and plenty of proof that it's the result of their experiences with their father.  They don't need to live in foster care or be separated from their mother.  They just need to be left alone and left out of the courtroom, so they have time to think hey - perhaps dad is a good guy after all.

In 2013, the Tsimhoni children were ordered to see the court-appointed therapist, Jennifer Hayes O'Neill , whose report and recommendations Judge Lisa Gorcyca subsequently ordered to be followed.  Mrs. O'Neill has also written a book apparently and ironically all about forcing your children to see the other parent, How to Break Up Without Ruining Your Kids.  Good title; poor content.

Well, she and I definitely are not on the same page about how a child should be raised.  On her blog, Jennifer Hayes writes things like;  "One of my favorite lines in the whole piece is "Repeat after me: Once I’ve fulfilled my child’s basic needs, my only responsibility regarding feelings is to accept and acknowledge them." Or as I tell parents, your new mantra is "Your happiness is not my responsibility”."  

and, "I am constantly working with parents to understand that our job as parents is not to protect our children from distress but rather to help them learn how to manage distress. This prepares them for life in a much deeper, truer, and richer way."

Lovely.  Sorry parents, but if your kids are distressed (extreme anxiety, sorrow, or pain), you're doing something wrong.  So Oakland County Judge Lisa Gorcyca appoints a therapist that ALSO feels kids are only little non-humans, not worthy of our respect, that are here to do what we say and shut up.  Something makes me think Jennifer Hayes O'Neill and Lisa Ortlieb Gorcyca are best buds!

Back to her book, she writes that children who are being subjected to abuse by one parent (no mention of that by judges and guardian ad litems) are not safe in the home.


Which is ironic considering what the Tsimhoni children told her, found in public records from this case dated July 10th, 2013, of the kind of verbal and physical abuse they were holding against their father, Omer Tsimhoni:

"Natalie told Ms. Hayes that Omer said that it will be a bloody scene and that he will get the gun out of his car.  Omer then carried her into the car and pulled Liam into the car and then all 3 children were locked in the car, Natalie also told Ms. Hayes that she saw Omer hit me."

  Maya Tsimhoni rightfully filed a motion to disqualify this court-appointed therapist and now we hear why these children are terrified of and still refuse to speak to their father, Omer Tsimhoni.  That Maya could even bear to continually try to encourage them to speak to him is a testament to the fact that she DOES want her children to have a healthy relationship with their father but knows that the damage has been done and may never be repaired.









If you'd like to read about what parenting actually should be from a fantastic therapist, visit http://drshefali.com/parenting-model/

Maya is allowed to visit the children at camp today, July 16th, 2015.

If her children, who haven't seen her in 23 days, hug or latch onto her, the court has supposedly threatened throwing Maya Tsimhoni into jail for 90 days for contempt.  The father's visit is immediately following Mom's.

I'm sure they will be so excited to see the man that has prevented them from seeing or embracing the woman that gave birth to them and raised them.  I'm sure they will be excited to thank him for sending them to jail.

UPDATE:  Maya is not in jail following the visit to see her kids at the summer camp they were sent to.  It is reported that the children are not doing well.  No further details are available. 

There are hearings Monday 7/20 and Wednesday 7/22.  Supporters are coming from as far as 2,100 miles away.